Pranks, Chess, and Chivalry: Just Another Case of Marauder Insanity
by mer solitare
Summary: What happens when the Maruaders siriusly (er... seriously) discuss stuff? Insanity, of course.
1. The Insanity Begins...

It was a normal fall day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun was shining, birds were singing, students were snogging like pot-crazed rabbits … and four certain seventh-year Gryffindors were discussing Very Important Things, namely pranks on Slytherins.

"What about dye in Snape's hair? We could change it to a lovely pink, maybe even put some polka-dots in it." James Potter said to his friends. Sirius Black, one of James best friends, snorted.

"Good idea Prongs, but we already dyed his robes pink and changed them into tutus last year. Remember?"

Remus Lupin snickered as James' blue eyes misted over behind his round black glasses. "Yeah. He screamed like a little girl when he saw 'em. Man, that was _beautiful_."

"I don't know about you guys, but I always thought the time we hung his 'happy snake' dancing boxers in the Great Hall was funnier." Peter Pettigrew said. Sirius and James started to laugh so hard they fell off the vermilion couch they were seated on. 

"Damn, that hurt." Sirius grumbled as he rubbed his forehead. "Y'know, if I remember correctly, he screamed like a little girl then too." Remus stated. This caused Sirius to laugh so hard he nearly quit breathing. James, meanwhile, looked as if he was having a seizure, he was rolling around so much. Remus and Peter merely observed their two friends.

"Wormtail, I do believe our friends are certifiably daft." Remus stated matter-of-factly. Peter shook his head in agreement.

***

"Anyway, now that Padfoot and Prongs have decided to join our conversation, _after_ 20 minutes of insane laughing, we need to think of new _original_ pranks." Remus said, shooting a dirty look at Sirius and James, who were both trying (and failing miserably) to look innocent.

All four Marauders looked at each other, each trying to come up with new ideas for Maruader-style pranks. James rested his head on the couch's armrest, eyes closed in concentration. Remus was thoughtfully tapping his finger on his chin, while Peter was mumbling under his breath something about blue Cornish pixies. Sirius was seated on the floor in front of the couch, legs underneath a small coffee table. Every five seconds or so he would hit his head with his fist, as if he was trying to beat an idea out of his brain. 

For a few minutes the only noise in the room was the sound of the merrily crackling fire in the fireplace. In fact, it was so quiet a mouse could have been heard tap-dancing. (Not that they ever do, of course.) Then James exclaimed "Lily!" The other Marauders looked at him in puzzlement. "Yes, Prongs, that is the name of your girlfriend." Sirius said.

"No, what I mean is, why don't we just ask her to come up with an idea? She's pretty good at it." 

"Who's good at what?" A female voice asked. All four Marauders turned to see Lily Evans standing behind the couch, hands on her hips, green eyes peering suspiciously at said Marauders.

Sirius leapt to his feet and jumped the couch, landing in front of Lily. "Why Lily, thou art the fairest flower in Hogwarts…nay, England!" Having said this, he grabbed Lily's hand and acted like he was kissing it. Lily rolled her eyes as James jumped off the couch.

"Thou hast threatened milady's propriety, you scoundrel!" James yelled dramatically, acting exactly like a knight from the 12th century. "For that, I challenge you to a duel."

"Really?" Sirius asked, brown eyes twinkling. James nodded, a grin spreading across his face. "Okay, Jamsie-Poo, but you know I'm gonna win."

"_Chess_ duel."

Remus, Lily, and Peter laughed as Sirius yelled in agony.

***

"10 Galleons says Sirius loses in less than a hour." Lily whispered to Remus. Remus snickered and shook hands with Lily as they settled down on the couch to watch Sirius lose yet another game of chess to James, Reigning King of Chess, Quidditch, and Many Other Things, not that anyone was counting. 

"You'd think ol' Padfoot would've learned to quit fighting duels with James by now," Peter uttered sadly. "Must be those Black Stupidity Genes at work." 

Sirius merely stuck his tongue out at Peter, causing him to be hit square in the face with a gold pillow by Lily.

"What? I need those 10 Galleons for the Hogsmeade weekend."

A.N. This is my first Marauder fic, though I've considered writing one for awhile. I haven't yet decided if I should make this into an actual story, so tell me if I should. BTW don't you just love Sirius? I do. He's my man. Just kidding. Anyway, please review. Adios!


	2. ...And The Insanity Continues...

It was no longer a normal day at Hogwats School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The birds had stopped singing, the sun was hiding and the former snogfest within the school had stopped abruptly, angering many students. Why, I hear you say. Because…

…SIRIUS BLACK HAD WON A GAME OF CHESS!!!! AGAINST JAMES POTTER, REIGNING KING OF CHESS, QUIDDITCH, AND MANY OTHER THINGS! And yes, I would continue shouting, but that made my throat sore… so now back to regular dialogue. So sorry.

"Hell yeah!" Sirius screeched, running around the Gryffindor Common Room like an extremely psychotic bat out of hell. "I am now the God of Chess, Ladies… And That's Pretty Much All I Can Think Of Right Now!"

Remus, Lily, and Peter all sat on the couch, flabbergasted expressions on their faces. James was on the floor bedside the coffee table; head slumped on the black and white chessboard. He appeared to be crying. Loudly. Remus turned to look at Lily, who was quickly turning a nasty red color. Her normally emerald green eyes were rapidly turning a ugly dark green. _That color clashes horribly with her hair_, Remus thought. "My Galleons." She muttered despondently.

Before Remus could react (Peter appeared to have fainted in shock, while James was still crying like a little girl with a skinned knee- Snape, anyone?) Lily had jumped up from the couch. Pulling her wand out of her jeans front pocket, she shrieked, "Sirius Black, _you will_ _pay_!"

Sirius, hearing Lily scream, turned around… and promptly tripped over a book entitled, "When Books Go Bad: How To Protect Yourself From Evil, Fall-Inducing Tomes Such As This One". Oh, the irony of it all.

"I knew books were evil." He muttered, rubbing his forehead for the second time in two hours. That was when he noticed two scuffed sneakers covered by jeans plastered with patches proclaiming things such as 'peace, love, and the House Cup!' and 'Slytherins may be dirty, Ravenclaws may be cute, but Gryffindors are dirty, cute… and talented to boot'. Following the jeans up, he focused on a bright green top connected to a neck, which was connected to the _very_, _very_ angry looking face of Lily Evans.

"AAAAHHHHH!!!" Sirius yelled, no longer happy about his first-ever chess win. "Mommy, save me." he moaned, scrambling backwards like some weird crab-thing until he hit a stone wall. 

Strangely enough, no one in the entire castle seemed to hear the impromptu screamfest that was currently taking place in the Gryffindor Common Room. It was almost as if some evil genius had placed a Silencing Charm on the entire room.

__

Mwahahahaha! Lily Evans, you are one evil genius for placing a Silencing Charm on the entire room. Lily smirked at Sirius, who seeing this, proceeded to frantically scratch at the wall behind himself, like a neurotic rabbit trying to dig a safe little haven. Unfortunately Sirius Black was not a rabbit, and the stone wall wasn't dirt. Unfortunately Sirius could not escape the Fury-Which–Can-Not-Be-Named. Ah hell, it was Lily. Unfortunately for Sirius Lily proceeded to throw multiple curses at him. Unfortunately for Sirius, these curses caused his hair to turn green, his skin orange, and his robes to become a beautiful red-and-white stripe. All in all he looked like an oompa-loompa shoved into a candy cane. _Scary._ Nearly as scary as Snape in a pink tutu.

Looking down at himself he screamed loudly. So loudly, dogs throughout the UK howled in agony as the high pitched shriek hit their ears. This cry left the remaining Marauders' ears ringing, but it also succeeded in arousing James and Peter from their near comatose states. "On the count of three we look," James whispered to Remus and Peter. "One, two, _three_!" Discreetly raising their heads over the red couch, James, Remus, and Peter stared at the scene in front of them.

And then began to laugh their asses off.

***

Two hours, thirty-seven minutes, and forty-six seconds later they were still going strong and showed no signs of stopping. Considering the fact that breathing is hard to do while laughing, this was quite an impressive feat. 

"Gu-uys," Sirius whined, "look at me! I- I – "Look like a giant freak?" Lily commented

Sirius lowered his face onto his knees and mumbled a very quiet "Yes."

"What'd ya say Paddie? I couldn't really hear." James cried from behind the couch. 

__

"I look like a bloody, sodding, giant freak!" 

At this Lily smirked once more. She appeared to be very adept at this particular facial expression. In fact, she was so good she could have given the future Draco Malfoy lessons in 'How to Smirk so Well it Scares the Pants of People'. 

"Guess you'll just have to look like 'a giant sodding freak' for a week, then." At that she cheerfully pecked James on the check, waved to the other Marauders, and flounced off to her dorm for a long and restful nap. Cursing your boyfriend's best friend into oblivion is quite exhausting, after all.

Sirius watched as Lily slammed door to he dorm and then wailed ( exactly the way the main character of a made-for-tv movie does at the really dramatic scene), "NNNOOOOOO!! Damn you, Lily Evans, _damn you_!!!" 

A.N. And the insanity continues… Review, peoples, or I shall seek a very angry Lily Evans on you. Mahahahaha! 

Adios.


	3. Sirius Black, The Break-Dancing Oompa-Lo...

Disclaimer: The Marauders, etc. belong to J.K. Mr. Foo-foo is all mine. Yayness.

Later that night on The-Day–Which-Began-Normal –But-Then–Went-Horribly-Wrong, the sun had set, the birds were asleep, and the students of Hogwarts were once again snogging their little teenage hearts out. Everyone was happy, from the lowest house-elf (Pookie, the toilet cleaner's assistant's assistant) to the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Then again, Dumbledore went through life on a perpetual sugar high, so this wasn't very surprising. I mean siriusly, no… _seriously_, he was so happy he made Barney look downright depressed. But I digress. Anyway, everyone in the _wwwhhooolllee_ castle was happy, except for one little seveth-year Gryffie. Guess who. Sirius Black, formerly called Padfoot but now known as 'Oompa-loompa' was one unhappy little camper. 

He was currently located on the floor in his dormitory, complaining loudly to his friends about his newfound style. His friends were seated around him, trying very hard to keep their faces straight and not laugh. 

"James, I now officially hate Lily Marie Evans." He said darkly, pouting like a five-year-old with a broken toy. "If you marry her, I will _never_, _ever_ speak to you again, even if you're the last Marauder on Earth." 

"Never ever?!!" James gasped, "Why Sirius, you have broken my heart. My life has ended. I have nothing left to live for!" Grabbing a leopard skin pillow, he put it over his face and began to cry fake tears. The pressure was just too much for Remus and Peter to handle. They cracked up, and fell backwards onto the tie-dye rug, laughing like, well, maniac Marauders. 

Sirius stood up and stormed over to his bed. Wrenching open it's velvet curtains he jumped in and burrowed underneath his large smiley-face comforter (don't even ask). 

"I am never speaking to any of you guys again." He sniffled. Grabbing Mr. Foo-foo, his hippogriff doll, he began to mumble into its ears.

"I swear Mr. Foo-foo, you're my only true friend nowadays…" 

***

"Severus Snape is the cutest, most popular guy in the whole wizarding world!!!!" Sirius' handy-dandy alarm clock screeched. Sirius yelled in terror, before realizing his alarm clock was lying. "Geez, did you hafta scare me like that?" He grumbled. The alarm clock merely shrugged its teeny plastic shoulders and proceeded to go back to sleep.

"Damn, bloody, piece o' crap. _It_ gets to sleep in while _I_ go to class." He grumbled as he stumbled out of bed into the boy's shower. Sirius grumbled a lot in the morning. 

Arriving back in his dorm room after a five-second shower (honestly, it was only five seconds, I counted) he pulled on his robes, which were still red-and-white striped and peered at his still slumbering roommates. An evil smile grew on his face as he pondered the countless ways to wake them up. 

Grabbing his pillow he began to beat his roomies senseless and then ran for his life as all three chased him down the stairs.

***

"Lily, your boyfriend and his friends are complete and total idiots." Hannah March said to Lily. Lily merely nodded sadly in agreement and then turned to watch Sirius 'Oompa-loompa' Black be chased in circles by his three pajama-clad friends. 

Gryffindors throughout the Common Room cheered as Sirius leapt random objects in his path. He grinned cheekily and turned around to thank his 'admiring fans' … and tripped over Mr. Foo-foo. (Sirius has major balance problems, doesn't he?)

"Mr. Foo-foo! Please don't die! You're my only friend in the whooole world!" He wailed, hugging poor, 'injured' Mr. Foo-foo to his chest.

"Hey Oomp-Loompa," Someone catcalled, " it's a frigging _stuffed animal_!"

Sirius gasped and promptly placed his hands over Mr. Foo-foo's ears. "Mr. Foo-foo can't hear you!" He cried in a singsong voice. The other Gryffindors stared avidly at Sirius for a full minute before turning away. 

"Prongs, he just gets worse every day." Remus muttered to James. "Yeah," James replied, "must be all those doggie biscuits he used to eat. I think they went to his head." Beside them, Peter nodded his head fervently.

All three Marauders stared at their demented best friend before trudging back to their dorm to beautify themselves. Yes, _beautify_. 

***

The Marauders swaggered into the Great Hall, their best I'm-A-Marauder-And-You're-Not-So-Ha! expressions on their faces. Their smug grins faded as they realized a startling fact. For the first time in their whole Hogwarts stay, the Hall was completely silent. From the Hufflepuff table someone coughed nervously.

"Yes! Revenge is sweet! Mwahahaha!" Severus 'Nancy' Snape yelled from the Slytherin table. All around the Hall people burst into helium-hyena laughing.

The four Marauders bowed their heads and scurried to their table. Sitting down, they promptly pulled plates in front of them and began to hurriedly stuff their faces. All around them fellow Gryffies were crying in mirth. A few were slumped over on the table, faces blue from lack of oxygen.

At the Staff Table the professors appeared to be suffering from convulsions, they were giggling so hard. Dumbledore was sitting on the floor, busily eating lemon drops between bouts of laughter. Hagrid was banging his fist on the table, sending bits of eggs into the faces of everyone within a twenty-foot radius. Random other professors were hiccuping from their laughing fits, looking a bit plastered. In fact, the only professor not laughing was Professor McGonagall. She appeared to have passed out from the exertion of trying not to laugh. 

Quite suddenly Dumbledore came out from underneath the Staff Table, wiping his eyes with his beard. Picking up his goblet of spiked pumpkin juice, he shouted, "To Sirius Black, the best damn Oompa-loompa to ever grace the halls of Hogwarts!" Around the hall students picked up their glasses and toasted Sirius.

Sirius jumped onto the Gryffindor Table and proceeded to break-dance in joy. In between head spins, he could be heard saying, "I'm the best damn Oompa-loompa at Hogwarts! Beat that, Nancy!"

A.N. Man that was screwed up. Anyways, this chapter had a bit more plot than the previous ones. Yayness. Review and I shall send you a break-dancing Sirius as a thank you gift. (I wish.) And yes, I know everybody's OOC but it's _humor_. That's the point of it.

Adios!


	4. The herring, the playa, and the potty-mo...

Disclaimer: Yo dawgs! Nothin' be mine but playa Remus. Word. 

Narrator: For the second day in a row Very Strange And Amazing Things were taking place at Hoggy-warts. Oh yes, friends, it was monumental. Never before had this happened. Never ever, ever… ever. In a thousand years or more nothing of this sort had happened. As I said before, it was amazing. Amazallent amazing.

Random voices: Get on with the story or we shall make you chop down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring!

Erm, okay. So. On with the story… Classes were canceled! Everybody was happy. Really happy. Pot-bunny happy. So hap-

Voices: HERRING!!!

Fine! I'll tell the bloody story! 

***

Throughout Hogwarts students were huddled in groups, discussing the day's events. Actually they were just laughing happily, but 'discussing the day's events' sounds better. In the Gryffie common room the four Marauders were discussing ways of revenge.

"Prongs, you're girlfriend is a bit scary. Brilliant, but a bit scary." Sirius said matter-of-factly. He knew this only too well, as he was currently dressed as an oompa-loompa. "I will never again anger her. However, much as this topic interests me, we need to discuss… revenge!"

"On the Slytherins, of course," Remus said, "I mean, we're good but not good enough to prank the whole school, sad as that fact is. Therefore we go for The Enemy. Did you see the way Nancy was laughing at us?! It was horrible." Here he shivered, as if reliving the morning's events all over again.

James, Sirius, and Peter nodded as a group. Of insane idiots. (Forget I said that. I'm just kidding. The Marauders would _never_ act idiotic! …I love sarcasm.) 

At that moment a large fireball came hurtling through the room's entrance and threw itself at James. James, predictably, screamed. He wasted his energy pointlessly, since the fireball was only his girlfriend.

Then again, now that I consider Lily's track record, he did have a reason to be afraid.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT NANCY SAID TO ME?! HE TRIED TO TELL ME HE TRUNED PADFOOT INTO OOMPA-LOOMPA! THEN WHEN I SAID I DID IT HE SAID I COULDN'T 'CAUSE I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH! THAT STUPID, MORONIC, GREASY, SLIMY, FOUL, UGLY…"

Three hours later Lily was still screaming about Snapey-poo. By now her rant had degenerated into an unabashed bitchfest about him. In fact, she hadn't uttered a single un-bleepable word in the past two hours and fifty-seven minutes. 

James was quite impressed- even he couldn't cuss that well. _Sailors_ couldn't cuss that well. Turning to his friends he asked, "Anyone for a game of Exploding Snape? This is gonna last awhile." His friends stared at him as if they were deaf. Which they were.

Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans work very well as earplugs, y'know.

James hit himself on the head. Stupid, really. Now he had to go through school with a _big_, awful lightning shaped scar on his forehead. (Harry…Potter…) "OW!" 

Sirius, Remus, and Peter snickered. Grabbing their injured friend they dragged him to their dorm and threw him onto the floor, where he bounced onto a furry pink zebra-skin rug. Removing his earplugs, Sirius said, "Don't bleed on the rug, Jamsie. It's my favorite." 

With that he grabbed a pack of cards that had been transfigured into Snape's face and settled onto the rug next to his friends. Remus and Peter removed their earplugs and pulled a large gold trunk out from underneath James' bed.

"Okay. First one to explode Snape ten times gets the jackpot."

***

"Yes! Tenth time! Yo, pay up, my homies!" Remus shrieked. His friends stared at him in growing terror. Apparently everyone's favorite wolfie had been reading 'How To Talk Like A Gangsta-Playa Even Though You're A British Werewolf Teen From The Seventies!' Whew. Big title.

"Yo! Playa, you best be giving me my Gs!" James and Sirius nodded mutely and pushed the gold trunk containing their bets to their friend. Quickly they shrank back from their friend and huddled near Sirius' bed, too scared to talk. 

"Whassup, dawgs? Ya'll my bitches." Sirius and James whimpered. Apparently Peter was in the Common Room, braving Lily's anger rather than face 'Playa' Remus.

Smart rat. Good Wormtail. 

Poor Paddie and Prongs.

From his spot on the floor, Sirius whispered, "Remus has gone loony. James, the Apocalypse has come! Beware the pale horse…"

Narrator: And here the story ends, folks. Tune in to tomorrow's episode to see Lily exact her revenge on Nancy, Remus talk like a playa some more, and the other Marauders dress in drag! 

Random Voices: Damn! The herring thing woulda been cool! And we still don't have a shrubbery… NEE!!

A.N. Venefica is crazy. She says that nothing in this makes sense and she is sorry. This may not be good but she had writer's block. Mwar. The random voices belong to the guys of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. She also wants everyone to review, please. She will now stop talking like a house elf.

Adios!


	5. When cheerleaders attack

Disclaimer: Wheee!! Me happy, me no own this! Me no happy no more.

Narrator: So… I'm back. Good, really, I need some Galleons to erm, support my… um, habit. Faberge eggs habit, that is. I mean, back in the 80s I was buying nine or ten eggs a day. And then one day my Mum stopped giving me money to buy 'em. That was the wake up-

Mr. Foo-foo: Me 'an the other hybrid stuffed animals wanna hear the friggin' story, not your stupid life story!!

Narrator: Ah, oookkkaaayyy… I never knew stuffed animals could talk. Sure, Aunt Myrtle swore they could but she also said Elvis lived on Mars and she was really a pur-

Mr. Foo-Foo: Can somebody please tell me why the author got this blathering idiot to tell the story?!

Me: 'Cause I ran out of funds, also known as money. I am now living a life of voluntary simplicity in which I must beg morons to tell my stories… Damn lack of money… CURSE YOU, EVIL PARENT-CREATURES!!!! However, I'll be nice and tell the story from now on. So Remus was a playa…

***

"Mwahahaha! I gots my bitches, I gots my pimpmobile. I'm the biggest playa in the whole damn hood!" Remus yelled. Sirius and James whimpered from underneath the large pile of baggy clothes covering them. Sirius coughed, almost choking on a big ole platinum and diamond man-symbol pendant.

"Baby, that's _my_ man-pendant! Get your own mojo, you unsexy bitches!" A short man dressed in a red velvet suit declared, wrenching the pendant out of Sirius' mouth and disappearing in a flash of green peace-symbol colored smoke. Yeah baby. Peace, drugs, and 24/7 NON-STOP SHAGGING!!!!

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!" James yelled in terror. Sirius merely turned to his friend and said, "That guy is my hero." He then got up and ran downstairs screaming, "Secret agent maaaaan, secret agent maaan…" 

Remus muttered angrily, mumbling something about uncooperative hooker-slash-friends. He shook his head and pulling his droopy elephant pants up and began the highly dangerous trek downstairs in ten-sizes too big pants. James slowly dragged himself up from underneath the Pile of Smother-Inducing Clothes. 

"Why me?" He asked to his empty dorm-room. His four-poster merely shrugged its headboard. James rubbed his eyes and backed out of the room, muttering, "No more LSD flavored butterbeer for me."

Meanwhile, in the Gyffie's local hangout Lily was pacing in circles, slowly going lower and lower as her hole in the stone floor deepened. Peter was huddled in the fireplace, which unfortunately was unlit.

A nice toasty fire would have quickly solved all future problems concerning Rat-boy. Darn student protection acts.

Anyway… Lily was quietly whispering (redundancy, yay!) to herself her Spanking-New, Freshly Baked Plan! Whee, time for more Lily-induced violence. 

Suddenly a _really_ loud bell rang, causing a large stampede in which Filch was trampled and a small blue pixie paralyzed from the wings down as students ran to the Great Hall for an exquisite twenty-three course feast for lunch. Ooey-gooey choco goodness. 

Lily snarled in frustration as she clambered out of her pit and ran downstairs, happily looking forward to her soon-to-happen Most Embarrassing Moment! Nancy style. 

Arriving in the hall, she flipped her hair behind her back and flashed her psychotic You're-In-For-Lots-Of-Pain smile at the room. Everyone in the room gasped and scrambling backwards, trying to hide behind Dumbledore's very long beard. Unfortunately he was already cowering behind it, which meant everyone else had to stand and watch the blood bath that was about to happen.

"Popcorn! Get yer popcorn!" A random Slytherin cried out, throwing a bag of popcorn across the room, blinding Professor Twitchy-Rabbit-Ears in the process.

"MY POOR, INNOCENT EYES!!!!"

Lily smirked and walked toward a cowering Nancy Snape. Nancy gasped as Lily stopped in front of him. She grinned for a minute, before saying, "So Nancy. I hear you're really a girl. How 'bout I test that little theory out?" Nancy shook his head frantically and backed away, tripping over his chair.

"It's in the name of science, y'know." With these oh-so-innocent-yet-very-foreshadowing words Lily drew her foot back and… began to jig happily.

No, actually she kicked him in the _Bleep_. I'd tell you what but it's a highly censorable word. Needless to say, Nancy never was able to have kids after that little incident.

And I was looking forward to the little grease-balls running around Hogwarts. Oh well.

Quite predictably Nancy screamed, like well, a little girl with a broken Barbie. Everyone in the Great Hall giggled, happy they hadn't provoked The Wrath Of Lily Evans. Lily curtsied.

Gasping for air, Nancy crawled across the floor to the Marauders and pulled out his wand- Not that wand, you perverts!! Wincing, he stood up and said, "Cheerleaderitis."

The Marauders screamed as their robes changed into green and silver miniskirts topped with tight sweaters. Green pompoms glued themselves to their hands. James mouthed wordlessly, turned to Nancy and began to beat him with his pompoms.

"Green's so, like, not, like, my color!" Sirius wailed. "It, like, makes me, like, look fat!"

"Yeah baby! You're some sexy bitches!" Mr. International Man of Mystery cried from his black-lit corner. A girl pouted and burst into tears. "You're sexy too, sex-kitten." He hastily said.

Sirius blushed happily and began to do cartwheels, screaming, "Hey Snapey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Snapey!" The other Marauders sighed before beginning to wave their pompoms. 

Remus said, "This skirt makes my calves look big." James nodded in agreement. 

"Honsetly, he coulda at least made our outfits red 'n' gold."


	6. The terror that is Dumbledore groupies

Disclaimer: Once, along time ago, I was the true inventor of Harry Potter. Then JK got me drunk, and weaseled it outta me. Now I'm just poor and reduced to fanfics ::sobs:: Oh, what the hell, JUST KIDDING!  
  
  
  
Me: (wild Snoopy dancing) I got a new narrator! Woo!! Remember Pookie, the toilet cleaner's assistant's assistant? Yeah he got fired, and I got 'em. Yay. But if he starts mumbling about attacking Mr. Hankie, ignore him. (Walks off, and grabs a small house-elf, shoving some papers at it.)  
  
Pookie: Mistress says Pookie should read this paper. Pookie wishes to say it is a good story and should be reviewed (A.N.- how's that for shameless begging?!) and that that bloody bastard Mr. Hankie-  
  
Me: Okay, sorry 'bout that. (Grins sheepishly and smacks Pookie upside his head) I guess I'll be the narrator again..  
  
** The months flew by (quite literally; November even waved) on their way to their once-a-millenium vacation to Vegas. It was now December, the student's favorite time of year, because of Quidditch season (and it was much easier to get illegal booze from Hogsmeade, but nobody ever actually said that).  
  
James being the cute little jock-boy he was, was the Wank- er, Chaser for Gryffindor. Of course, the only reason he did it was because if he flew high enough he could see down certain. um, articles of clothing to certain body parts.  
  
How's that for vagueness? I'll just insert a nice ole equation here: horny teenager + lots of height = free views of girls' chests. Poor, corrupted Jamsie.  
  
It's just wrong when an innocent boy is suckered into hormonal rampages like that. (snickers)  
  
So anyway, all this rambling amounts to (wait for it) . THE FIRST QUIDDITCH GAME OF THE SEASON!!!!  
  
"IT'S QUIDDITCH, BABY. YOU WANT IT, YOU NEDD IT, IT'S LIKE SEX, BUT WITHOUT THE MORNING AFTER!!" Sirius screeched from the Gryffindor stands. "IT'S FUN, EXCITING, STIMULATING. HELL IT'S A BLOODY TURN-ON FOR PEOPLE."  
  
From her seat in the teacher's stands, McGonagall fainted, and was promptly attacked by a rampaging pink elephant. She was saved, unfortunately, by Dumbledore transfiguring it into a lollipop.  
  
"Yummy. elephant flavored."  
  
Back in the Gryffie section, Sirius was clutching his broomstick (God, not that way! I'll have you know it was a Nimbus 500, new, shiny, and nice and hard ) tightly, a gleeful expression on his face.  
  
"Man, Sirius, will you put that thing up?" Remus grumbled. "You're gonna put somebody's eye out."  
  
Sirius turned to his friend, accidentally pushing Peter off the stands with its end, making him plummet to his death a few hundred feet below.  
  
"Ah fuck, now who're we gonna get to do our homework for us?" Sirius muttered sadly. He appeared to have forgotten about his broomstick in the recent tragedy that was the Death of The Marauder's Homework-Doer.  
  
"Uh. Lily." Remus answered.  
  
"Nah, she'd probably go all psycho-" He stopped as somebody whirled him around.  
  
"Um. hiya, Lily, best friend of mine." Sirius said sweetly.  
  
Lily cackled evilly.  
  
** "Holy fucking hell, I didn't know a broom could even fit that far up that!!" Silent Bob, the narrator, screeched. "Geez, man, that was just sick. Really, that couldn't be legal."  
  
Dumbledore stood up and bellowed, "YES! Go Gryffindor, it's your birthday." He proceeded to tear his robes off, leaving him clothed only in a bright red g-string with a gold lion on it.  
  
The lion roared.  
  
In the Slytherin stands, a few girls screamed happily and jumped off their seats, rampaging toward the teacher's stands.  
  
"God, he is soo hot!" One screamed.  
  
Unfortunately for everyone's favorite Slytherin (okay, second favorite, since Lucius Malfoy is sex on a walking stick) he was overheard muttering, "He's hot?! What the fuck is that?"  
  
A few days later Nancy was laid to rest underneath a tombstone which read "Here lies Nancy. we mean, Severus. Snape, who was unfortunately killed in a freak accident involving screaming Dumbledore groupies'.  
  
And the Marauder's were scarred for life, because without an arch-evil guy there was no point in living.  
  
Then they went to a bar, got drunk, met a girl named Sugar Titsqueak, and promptly forgot about Snapikins.  
  
But that's a different story. (Not really, but melodramatic, ain't it?)  
  
So anyway, back at the game.  
  
"Fuck, man, that's some fucked up shit!" Jay, the new narrator (Silent Bob had to leave to help a girl named Bethany on a journey of, um, self discovery). "The fucking Gryffindors just won the fucking game! Fuck yeah, man. WILD FUCKING ORGY BACK AT THE FUCKING GRYFFIE COMMON ROOM!"  
  
Dumbledore jumped out of the teacher's stands, sending half naked groupies flying.  
  
"God, I wish I was Dumbledore." Sirius said to Remus.  
  
Remus just nodded and chased after the Headmaster.  
  
"Y'know, I never truly realized the irony of Dumbledore being called 'the Headmaster' until know." Lily said wheezily.  
  
Sirius turned to look at her and nearly fell over.  
  
"Uh, Lily? Where'd your shirt go?"  
  
Lily merely grinned mischievously. A few yards in front of them, Dumbledore waved a ripped gold and red t-shirt over his head.  
  
"Fucking hell Lily, that's your bloody shirt! What will Jamsie say?!!"  
  
"Lucky Lily, probably."  
  
Sirius turned to his friend and screamed. "Oh my God, James. I'm best friends with a. a. poofter!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
A.N. That was screwed up, even for my standards. Hehe. Review. I just might be able to get g-string Dumbledore to come dance for you. (Oh, bad mental images.) Other stuff will be updated soon, I swear. 


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